Wednesday, November 3, 2010

How to get away from awkward situations. Part 1

Many people in society has gone through awkward situations where they feel like a simple yes or no could lead to catastrophic consequences. Here being an noob guru, will hopefully answer some of the most dire questions that can get you out of trouble.

Clothing
Let's say that you are a male traveling to go shopping with your girlfriend for new clothes. Suddenly she pulls you inside Forever 21, a popular store for woman, and urges you to give your opinion on her upcomming attire. Like most men these days, we all dread the question of "Do I look fat in this?" As your girlfriend comes out of the dressing room and she politely asks, "Do I look fat in this dress?" Hold it! Let's analysis the situations to isolate the variables so the correct choice can be made.
y = x - 10
This is the fundamental equation to solve this situation. Where "y = the end results", "x = your answer", and "-10 being the constant variable of angry." Simply to a mathematician, we know that if we want the girl to be satisfied, we must get at least a "0" for her to be neutral or at least a positive number to make her happy.
 Typically, a male will have two choices, either "yes" or "no".

A yes will say that she looks fat in her dress. Well what would happen if you said that? Let me ask an expert in this situation. Vivian Hernandez is a woman herself who has consented to give her expert opinion. If a guy asked her in that situation "Yes, you do look fat." Her research says that a girl would feel immensely depressed and might consider a break up! If she does not break up with you, she will definitely remember this as a weapon for future fights. You do not want to say this at all. Another expert in this topic Amy Aguilera, states that "if you say yes her self-esteem level would drop like crazy." From both experts, this is an answer you would like to avoid. The worst that will happen is that she would run out of the store with the dress on to cry in the restroom, making the boyfriend responsible for the damages she cause.

A no will mean that she is not fat in her attire. Well what would happen if you said that instead? For this question I asked an expert in this topic. My friend Israel Lopez, a man who has had this situation happen numerous times. He said, "No you do not look fat in this". His girlfriend then replied, "What? So you are lying to me now?" She then furiously raged quit the store and make him look like a terrible person. A no in this situation would represent "x" being a lower positive number such as "< 10" or possibility a negative number! This all depends on the girl of course on the exact numerical constant. My friend Chester, would say that woman would criticize this answer and say "that you are only saying this because". What he replied was "Let's go eat!~" This is a horrible answer, which would lead to your friend LOL'ing at you.

To many a third variable exists which is to make the situation as awkward as possible so that she forgets the question entirely. "Hey by the way you wouldn't mind if I go to pay child support at the lawyers office would you?" You have to ask a question so random and awkward that she will forget it.
A bad example would be saying "I think you are pregnant." If a man said this, he may be able to get away from the initial situation for now. But after a certain amount of time has pass or if she has free time to ponder on the situation. She will make the correlation between "pregnancy = an alternative way to say you are fat." This excuse temporarily accomplishes our goal, but will come back later at a stronger level.
Every girl has different tolerance levels on awkwardness, if you find the right level, the variable "x" would no doubt be positive.

If all else fails, feign sickness and use to restroom to GTFO!
If by any chance, try to avoid this situation as much as possible.
Enjoy today's blog :3

8 comments:

  1. Wow. Thanks for paraphasing my response weirdly. I don't remember saying that...

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  2. Normal people, I hate them... always avoiding tense situations... A repo man spends his time getting INTO tense situations.

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